On Fear

Disclaimer: This isn't a happy post.

I woke up this morning at the proper time that I would need to get up in order to get ready and make myself presentable for my 8 a.m. Because that is at least something I can still be in control of and which I choose to put effort into. If you look ready to take on the day, the idea is that your mindset and attitude towards said day will be more confident & positive.

Hey Wassup Hello: A Life Update

I’ve been staring at this screen for a good twenty minutes now trying to figure out what kind of post I want to write.

I browsed through roughly ten to fifteen post ideas for Fall, took a few selfies and ate a KIND bar and still nothing.

So now I’m just going to ramble about pointless things that you could probably care less about but which will make me feel at least a little productive and inspirational.

I could start by giving a life update but what’s really so interesting about that?

It’s November, so it’s basically Christmas, the red cup scandal is taking over the internet and the wind nearly whisked my Ray Bans off my face when I was walking to my 8 a.m. this morning. Now these glasses were necessary because one, I can’t see worth a crap and two because I looked a little bit blah. Granted, I snoozed my alarm clock until 7:45 so what do I expect, but I still made it to class before Karl did. Oh, Karl’s my Marketing teacher. He’s pretty cool about not yelling for when I was horribly ill and missed his class…multiple times…

Speaking of class, I’m just going to come out and say it. My schedule sucks this year. I know I should be an adult and suck it up but I’m a complainer so let me complain. When I planned it out last Spring, I wasn’t taking into consideration that I’d be working up to 35 hours a week, nor that all of those seemingly easy classes would add up to 19 credits. Stupid Greta.

Turns out, the Sophomore Slump, while believed by some to be a frame of mind, is proving to be unavoidable. Socializing, partying and running on little to no sleep just doesn’t appeal to me anymore. My coffee mug collection is growing and I swear I’ve spent more money on groceries than booze useless items that do not benefit me in any way.

Sophomore Dorm Room Tour

 Long time, no see! Yes, it has been a while. I took the summer off and decided to dedicate my time to making memories with old friends, working two jobs and preparing for my sophomore year of college. 

I'm now moved back, settled in nicely, and working two jobs on campus with a possible third in town. Classes begin on Tuesday and I'm enjoying a fairly chill weekend before the hustle and bustle of the school year starts. I moved in last Tuesday night and my lovely roommate moved in the following night. We are completely in love with our room this year, which is twice the size of our room last year and complete with our own bathroom and shower. 

I'm planning on getting back into a regular blogging routine, per request of Rachel and others, so bear with me and I will do my best to bring this little blog of mine back to life. 

Dear First Year of College

Dear advisor who put up with me for six months: Thank you for being understanding & not losing patience despite the various issues that caused my college acceptance to be delayed until a week before my flight. I could never have done it without you. Thank you for the endless emails, phone calls & even texts that helped me figure out classes, FAFSA, meal plans & everything else in between. Looking back, I realize now how chaotic the whole process was, but with your help, I was able to transition smoothly. 

Dear orientation leader: Thank you for being over-the-top welcoming & for answering the few questions I was brave enough to ask in our small groups that first day of college. Your enthusiasm, while seemingly fake & terribly annoying at the time, really did help me ease into the whole "be chill" vibe that is crucial to practice. 

Dear boys I kissed: It's college. It happened. We're adults, it's not awkward. Okay, let's move on. I promise I don't hate you. And yeah, of course I remember. No, we don't have to get married. 

Dear favorite teacher: Thank you for believing in me & my work even when I cut myself short. Thank you for tolerating my sometimes inappropriately casual & unfiltered attitude in class & for always having your office door open. Thank you for listening to me rant about my final paper & the annoying characters I was dealing with- both in literature & real life. Finally, thank you for encouraging me to pursue something I've always wanted to pursue but didn't have the guts or the encouragement to do so. 

Dear friends: It's not easy being my friend, is it? Thank you for accepting my crazy, my annoying, my good, bad & ugly. Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on, providing a bed to sleep on, a buddy to eat with & a partner to study with. Thank you for the whole days we wasted watching Netflix & the nights I swore I wouldn't survive. Thank you for the lessons you taught me & the love you gave me. Whether or not we remain friends throughout the coming years, I will never forget you, even if you forget me. 

Dear Louayne: You are one tough lunch lady. Thank you for always greeting me with a smile & being patient when my I.D. didn't work & had to be swiped 6+ times. Thank you for never judging me when I came in to get a cup of coffee every 45 minutes five times in a row. Thank you for cleaning up the cafeteria messes, wearing holiday-themed accessories with pride & striking up conversations with the football players (which was just plain adorable).

Dear roommate: You are my best friend. I don't know what I did the first few weeks we weren't friends. I still don't know how we got from that first Barnes & Noble date & talking about our exes, high school & families to where we are today. Thank you for truly never giving up on me, even when I'm sure you felt like you wanted or needed to. Thank you for believing in me, trusting me, listening to me & yelling at me, each when needed. Thank you for supporting me in the things that deserved support & helping me mend things that needed mending. Thank you for doubling my closet & being my most favorite hello & hardest goodbye. You made my first year in college all that it was & I cannot imagine how I got on before you. I love you so much & can't wait for the years to come. 

Dear North Dakota: Thank you for showing me that heaven exists in a bowl of knoefla, that San Francisco's "windy" is literally nothing compared to yours & that trees should be appreciated when seen (which is pretty much never). Thank you for being my second home. P.S. I love you.

Hooked On...

This app: I'm a little late to the Audible bandwagon, but after recently dedicating this summer to reading more books (among other things like working, driving, surviving, etc.) I figured I'd give it a try. I signed up for the free trial which includes one free audiobook of your choice (which is awesome, thanks Amazon) & so far, so good! I haven't yet decided if I'm going to cave in and pay for the monthly membership. It will depend on whether or not I get this job that I applied for...more on that later. It's also kind of a bother, being that Audible is twice the price of Netflix, and I've been considering getting my own Netflix account for when I go back to school in August. I guess binge-listening is healthier than binge-watching, but we'll see. Anyway. The book I decided to listen to is What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty. I put it on my list of books I want to read this summer, so I thought it was an excellent choice. I like how you download the book to your phone or tablet, so it doesn't require WiFi or use data & the app has a sleep timer along with a variety of other settings, so I'm really enjoying it. My guess is that I'm going to get so addicted that I'll have to join...that's their whole plot, isn't it?

This cleanser: I discovered this after going through my YouTube subscriptions & hearing it mentioned more than once. When I got back from school for the summer, I needed to buy all new skin & hair care products as I couldn't bring my full sized ones on the plane. But that's all besides the point...I picked up this cleansing water because I wanted to try a new skincare routine & thought that this would be implemented nicely. I love it. It's light & refreshing & doesn't require a rinse because it's an actual water itself. I pour a little on a cotton pad & cleanse my face in the morning before moisturizing & I've already noticed a difference in my skin. It's not as dry or tight & it just feels all around a lot cleaner. 

This hair: I've been debating getting my hair done for a while now. It's well overdue, but I've always been really hesitant to cut it or do anything with it because it takes forever to grow & I have somewhat difficult hair to deal with. It's naturally curly, but lately, it's less curls & more awkward waves that like to do whatever the hell they please. I guess you could say there's no real order to my hair. I end up straightening it a lot of the time, just so it's easier to manage, but even with proper protection, I hate how heat slows down the growing process. With that in mind, I'm considering taking the plunge & getting my hair done & I mean done, like consulting a professional & seeing what the deal is & how I can learn to love my natural hair more. I really like the whole long-bob style, especially the look of this one, minus the color as I'm a lot darker than that & would like to keep it that way. I'll keep you updated on that whole process. 

This coffee: Y'all know how I am about my coffee. Absolutely addicted. Really it's starting to get a little worrisome. At school, I was getting up to 6-8 cups a day. Yeah. One of my best friends recently started working at Dutch Bros. Coffee which is new in Napa, & let me tell you, it's a whole experience in & of itself. There's a walk-up window or a drive-thru & the whole atmosphere is super chill with a sort of hippy vibe, very different from a Starbucks or Peets. The coffee is really good. I ordered the Annihilator the other day, but I'm willing to try the whole menu. If you have a Dutch Bros. near you, I definitely recommend. 

This quote: This quote has just been speaking to me lately. No other explanation. 

These shorts: Clean, classic, comfortable. That's what I'm looking for in an everyday/working out/hanging around short. I like these because they're super lightweight & have a softer material, so it doesn't feel like you're wearing those annoying nylon workout shorts that ride up in the back and show underwear lines and all that dumb stuff. These are also reasonably priced for Under Armour & I love the range of colors, but the grey is especially unique.

This photography: I want to get back into using my camera more this summer & this kind of photography is something I've always wanted to master. It's so different & pleasant to look at & not that complicated once you get the hang of it. The American Flag is so cool, but I'm really not sure how it was captured so that would be really fun to play around with. 

These nails: Yes, those are mine. I missed my manicures so much. I like to keep it simple & classic & my mentality is that I can do a lot of color on my own at home & they generally don't look half bad, so when I go to get my nails done, I like to do something I can't do myself, aka a French manicure. 

This comic relief: Oh Ellen, I don't agree with the majority of your beliefs but boy, are you funny. I started listening to comedy radio on Spotify during the day or before bed, if I'm not reading/listening to a book & Ellen is just plain hilarious. She's a little coarse sometimes but very straightforward & sarcastic & she's pretty harmless for the most part. I really enjoy listening to her. 

Anything new you're hooked on?

Summer Reading List

I used to be an avid reader, sometimes reading up to three books a week. I started forgetting my love for reading when I started high school, and didn't find much time for it in college, but a few weeks before finals, I was at Barnes & Noble with my roommate, and I grabbed a random book...I was hooked. I admit, I picked it up off the shelf because I liked its cover and definitely didn't plan on actually reading the whole thing. I was tired of social media and Netflix (gasp!) and I just wanted to take my mind off of life. So I started reading. And I've had a hard time putting it down since. I had to take a break to focus on finals, but I only have a few chapters left and now that it's summer, I really want to keep reading and get through as many books as I can, while still enjoying them. 

Here is a list of the books on my summer reading list. (The book I'm currently reading is A Hundred Summers by Beatriz Williams.) 

1. The Secret Life of Violet Grant by Beatriz Williams

2. Paper Towns by John Green

3. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling

4. #GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso

5. What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty 

Hopefully, if I can succeed in reading all of these within the next few months, I will plan on doing a review on each one to let you know how they were. 

What books are on your summer reading list?

Six Quotes To Fuel My Thursday

Have you ever been scrolling through your Twitter or Pinterest feeds and repeatedly seen quotes or tweets that fit your life perfectly? O.K. who subtweeted me...I don't even know this person, you're thinking. God has quite the sense of humor and I like to think this is one of His ways of reaching out to us. Maybe that's crazy. Well, I've been told I am. 

Here are six quotes that pretty much sum up my life at the moment. 

Images via Pinterest

Which quotes are fueling your Thursday?

Benefits Of Being Alone

After spending my first official holiday by myself, I can attest to the fact that spending time alone can be both healthy and enjoyable. Being in college, I am constantly around people, from my friend group to my teachers and classmates to the 20-something handing me my fries on a midnight McDonalds run (yeah that happens). Human beings are designed to be social but it's easy to get so caught up in attending every school event, going to every meal with a buddy and "doing homework" with a "study companion" (let's be real, not a whole lot of homework actually gets done). 

Here are four reasons why I think flying solo every once in a while can be beneficial. 

1. You can do whatever you want. There are no demands from others or appointments to make or plans to keep. If what you want is to watch 8+ hours of Netflix, then you're free to do just that & no one will judge you or interrupt unless you let them. 

2. You learn to be more independent. When no one is there to do things for you or influence decisions you need to make, you learn to trust your instinct & do what is best for you. The bowl that is now dirty from the cereal you ate before bed? Yep, you will need to clean that because no one else is going to do it for you. Laundry, vacuuming & keeping a strict eating & sleeping schedule are the same way. The more you practice this, the less lazy you will be & you will also learn to trust yourself more which is what we all want, right?

3. You appreciate family & friends more. FaceTiming my whole family on Easter Sunday & finally seeing my roommate again after five days apart made me realize how much I tend to take them for granted. Always having someone around & not giving it much thought is comforting, but if we get so used to them being there, it diminishes their worth & leads us to rely on them way too much. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" is cliché but true. 

4. You learn to be content with yourself. The constant opinions and comments from others on every little aspect of our lives can be helpful but harmful. Again, it makes us rely on them and what they think is best. It's important to have a solid group of friends who truly want what is best for you & who will do whatever it takes to make you better, but it is easy to start trusting the wrong people and believe everything that everyone tells you. Taking some time to isolate yourself from constant socialization forces you to reflect on yourself & your own actions. It is a great time to journal & even go to the chapel & spend some quiet time in prayer or meditation. 

Being alone and learning to be O.K. with it is a necessary & natural part of growing up. One cannot face their demons if they never give themselves the opportunity. Focusing on doing what is best for you will make you feel more in touch with yourself & if you're struggling with knowing who you are or staying true to yourself, taking this time is pertinent. It can also help your relationships with others, as contradicting as that seems. Knowing who you are & being happy with it is attractive to others & adds an element of maturity & stability to friendships and relationships. 

Being a fairly outgoing and talkative person, I often get comments from my friends or family asking if I'm okay when I'm quiet or "anti-social". I don't blame them at all, seeing as it is my primary personality to be social, but sometimes I recognize that I need to remove myself, either physically, verbally or both in order to get back in touch with myself & calm myself down. I'm learning to be O.K. with being alone, but it is still a slim line to balance on between being alone & being lonely. 

What are your tips for spending time alone? Do you find it to be beneficial to you?

Hooked On...

This quote: The school year is drawing to a close & I am finding it harder & harder to stay concentrated & motivated. The laziness & lack of drive surrounding me doesn't make it any less difficult. It's important now, more than ever, that I stay focused and do whatever it takes to keep my goals in mind. 
This product: OGX is my favorite brand for hair products, & this is my favorite "scent family." I have extremely dry & damaged hair so the blend of kelp & algae help bring it back to life. I can't even begin to explain the scent...it just makes me feel some kind of way. I spray this product all over my damp hair when I get out of the shower and let it air dry before styling or throwing it into a braid. 
This ring: So, I've wanted one of these rings for as long as I can remember. My oldest sister always had one & I remember wishing I was cool enough to wear one too. I didn't know the entire meaning behind the ring until recently when I noticed that a lot of my friends wear them. So I did my research. The Claddagh Ring is a traditional Irish wedding ring that contains a heart held by two hands & topped with a crown. The way in which the ring is worn conveys the wearer's relationship status. Worn on the right hand & with the heart facing outward means that the wearer is single & that their heart is "open". Worn on the right & with the heart facing inward signifies that the wearer is in a committed relationship & that their heart belongs to someone. Worn on the left hand signifies that the wearer is engaged or married. I found a ring box with a little note on my desk yesterday with this ring inside. One of my friends had bought it for me as an early birthday gift. I am in love. 
This smoothie: As someone hailing from California, it's never been a problem finding a smoothie & juice shop on nearly every corner (that's actually not entirely inaccurate). In North Dakota, especially in Bismarck, these shops are few & far between. With summer getting closer, I've been craving fresh fruits & vegetables like no other, and smoothies are pretty much my favorite way to consume them. This isn't the best smoothie I've ever had, but in a pinch, it did the job and it was very insta-worthy, so that's all that matters, right?
These frockets: While I love The Fraternity Collection, they do seem to be a bit pricey, especially for broke college students like myself where anything over $10 is basically your whole bank account. Luckily, I've found a less expensive way to satisfy my frocket obsession...United Tees. They don't have quite as many patterns, but they're about half the price of The Frat Collection, and last week they had a 40% off sale on all their pockets, sooooooooo...yeah. 
This no-makeup look: While it may take some sun and moisturizing magic to get my face looking a little more alive, I've been working on being more confident in my natural skin and embracing my flaws, so go me. 
This show: I honestly have no words. That sounded so white girl but I'm sorry. I've binge-watched 6+ hours of this darn show for the past three days & I am so embarrassingly addicted. Olivia Pope is basically everything I aspire to be, minus the Monica Lewinsky-ish tendencies. Political drama, dark thriller & dry humor...yes. 
This polish: I've been pretty obsessed with nude & white polishes lately. There's just something about them that make nails look so clean & fresh. This color has been one that I've been reapplying about every other week. It lasts about a week without chipping, as long as there's a top coat & isn't streaky or goopy. I usually apply two coats & then a top coat for the best color. 
This pick-me-up: If I count correctly, I had the equivalent of roughly seven cups of iced coffee the other day. SEVEN FREAKING CUPS. Is this why I'm basically a midget? because it's totally worth it. I've always loved my coffee piping hot, but lately iced coffee has been appealing to me as well. I don't really care where it's from or even if I make it myself as long as there's no limit and a bathroom near by. (I'm still working on that whole training-the-body-to-tolerate-caffeine-thing.)
Anything new you're hooked on?

Here's What He Should Know

I was scrolling through Facebook this morning while having my morning coffee & I clicked on a Thought Catalog article. The title intrigued me enough so I started reading, & then I started furiously typing.

Yes, I've been dreaming of my Prince since I was three years old. Walt Disney and Rogers & Hammerstein movies kinda set me up for a false reality of romance. I've always been friends with boys & growing up in a family full of male cousins & with two brothers of my own, I learned from an early age how to be comfortable around them. (Talking here as if we're dealing with an endangered species or something). I've only had one "boyfriend" and we all know how that ended, so I'm hesitant to even call it a legit relationship. Maybe it was at first, but it's not exactly one that I want recorded in my love-life-file. 

I'm in college now, I'm going to be 20 years old in three months &  I'm going to admit it. 

I've never been in love. 

The revelation hit me the other day while stopped at an intersection after Rachel and I had picked up Starbucks. This is what my wise best friend told me: "that's good." Now that I think about it, I realize she's right. I thought I was in love and that screwed me over. I've liked multiple guys, even kissed multiple guys, but I can now say that I have never loved any of them. Does that make me sound trashy? Sorry. I am after all, a college student & trust me, we do a lot of stupid things. 

Why haven't I loved any of them? Because I'm actually smarter than I give myself credit, and I know that I haven't found him. I haven't found the one that God has created to be my person. I haven't found my future husband. He's out there somewhere, and it's really mind-boggling, but I may have already met him. He may be at this very school right now, who knows! Regardless, I haven't found him yet. And that's okay. 

Being single pretty much all of my teenage (& so far my adult) life, I've had a lot of time to discern what exactly it is that I am looking for. And all those boys along the way have either helped me realize what I don't want, or given me a sample of what I do want. So s/o to them. Basically what I'm getting to, is after reading that article & thinking about this a bit, I came up with a few things.  

I’d rather find someone who’s highly ambitious about his career. I’d rather find someone who’d like to wait a few years before starting a family but who would be open to one whenever God blessed us. I’d rather be in a relationship where we both work, but I’d like to eventually work from home. I’d rather be with someone who loves to travel but is also content with being a homebody. I’d rather be with someone who is confrontational & approaches a problem as it occurs. 

I’d rather be with someone who enjoys parties & social events but knows when to stay in & enjoys watching Netflix. I’d rather be with an early bird so we can have our morning coffee together & watch the news or get ready together. I want to be with someone who watches dramas & comedies instead of thrillers. I want someone who is affectionate & open about his feelings but not dramatic. It’s important that I find someone who can make me laugh but who I can also have an intellectual conversation with. I want someone who has many of the same interests & tastes that I do & I want us to be able to discover new things together. 

I need someone who is Roman Catholic or who will become Catholic before marrying me. I’d be content with settling down & establishing a life in one place rather than moving all the time if we still had the opportunity to travel. I’m interested in someone who decides on dates spur of the moment, but plans out when it comes to the important times (anniversaries, holidays, birthdays). I need someone who is able to be independent, as I am independent, but who enjoys spending a lot of time together as this is obviously what makes a relationship work. 

It’s important that I find someone who’s a wine-and-beer drinker but who enjoys a good Jack & coke or martini every now & then. I’d rather be with someone who isn’t extremely involved in sports but I won’t complain if he is. I want someone who is more of a city person but who is open to spending time in the outdoors. If we go on vacation, I’d rather be someone who lays on the beach with me, drinking margaritas & reading books rather than someone who wants to go skydiving & parasailing. I’m more interested in the person who sits calmly & who strikes up a conversation with me rather than being the life of the party. 

I want to be with someone who is more of an upbeat go-getter. I’m looking for a strong & romantic relationship in which we can still be quirky and boring together. If we’re watching a movie, I want someone who will make homemade popcorn and watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s or Bridesmaids with me on the couch. He can be a dog person but not a cat person. He doesn’t have to be a neat freak, but he shouldn’t be lax in his messes. I’m interested in someone who will cook meals with me the majority of nights per week. I want a movie-watcher who appreciates a good book & hasn’t passed reading off as “old-fashioned”. I need someone who’s opinions are in the same ballpark when it comes to politics, religion & style (that means Republican, Catholic and pretty please... preppy).

I’d rather be with someone who is open to having a big family but who will be happy with as many children as God blesses us with (I’m thinking three, maybe four?) 

And last but not least, I need a cuddler. 

Maybe I'm picky/needy, or maybe I just know exactly who I want. Oh, & honey, if you're reading this, I hope you know that I'm praying for you and I can't wait to find you. 

Clay Your Way

Spring break is starting to be a lot of "break"... so this afternoon we decided to get out of the house and get crafty. We drove to a pottery place called Clay Your Way and got to work on our masterpieces. I haven't done anything like this since I was very young and it was so much fun to get my creative juices flowing. 

Picking out colors.

My beautiful best friend and roomie. 

So much concentration. 

And we brought along Rachel's mini me...I've adopted her as my little sister too. 

You can never have too many monograms. 

I always end up with red, white and blue. 

And elephants! Oh my. 

I guess they're cute. 

Rachel's artwork. 

Did my bowtie make you look twice?

We have a thing for mugs, okay?

I had a great time creating something super personal and it was refreshing to get out and do something totally out of the ordinary. These should be done in about a week and I can't wait to enjoy my morning coffee in something I made myself. 

Have you ever been to a shop like this? What are some other ways you like to channel your creative genius?