Thursday, December 3, 2015

On Fear

Disclaimer: This isn't a happy post.

I woke up this morning at the proper time that I would need to get up in order to get ready and make myself presentable for my 8 a.m. Because that is at least something I can still be in control of and which I choose to put effort into. If you look ready to take on the day, the idea is that your mindset and attitude towards said day will be more confident & positive.

But I wasn't feeling it. So I snoozed my alarm 10 times.

I woke up 15 minutes before class. But I still went.

Then I came back & fell asleep again. I woke up shaking from a nightmare. Wait, it was ten'o'clock. Day-mare? Is that a thing?

Fear does that to you. It plays with you in unexplained ways. Maybe I should pick up a psychology minor. It's both incredible and terrifying how your mind twists and affects you based on what is physically happening. The human body is pretty cool like that.

I would ideally like to say that I am a strong person. I'm doing just fine growing up and starting a new phase of my life. I'm getting used to being an adult and accepting the rewards and consequences of that. I'm learning that certain things don't really matter anymore, like what people think of what you look like (spoiler: the majority don't notice nor care) and comparison is petty. Weight and height and personality are all beautiful parts of what makes a person. And if others fail to realize it, screw 'em. I'm more in control of my feelings and my emotions and more in touch with who I am as a person than I ever have been. I'm adulting. And I'm doing just fine.

However, there are things that no matter how mature or old or secure we are, we just can't seem to control.

Fear is one of them.

Whether it be irrational fears, PTSD, extreme intuitiveness or phobias, everyone suffers from some type of fear.

Fear of losing others, fear of death, fear of being inadequate, fear of being barren, fear of spiders, paranoia, fear of heights, germs, traveling. An overwhelming sense of insecurity. Change. Losing control. Not being loved. Being alone. Darkness. Emptiness.

Fear doesn't make us weak. It unites us. It is something that the whole human race can recognize in itself, whether they choose to advertise it or not. And more often than not, the more serious fears that we suffer from are not things that we wish to disclose to everyone. It is likely that only a handful (or a few fingers) of people are aware of and fully understand what scares us. That's a good thing. If we throw around our inner most secrets like dirty laundry, people will take advantage of that. And it'll cause more pain and end up becoming yet another thing that we fear.

Perhaps one of the most terrifying feelings is being afraid of something that is supposed to be a rock. Supposed to be there for you in your worse times to support and help you. But then the tables are turned and the worse times seem to be when this something is in your presence. It's heartbreaking. It makes us question our trust & our faith in people because it screws us up. It plays with us. It gets inside where we can't escape it. It changes us. And it sucks.

Fear is an enemy, yes, but it can also be a blessing in disguise. Fear enables us to test ourselves in ways that seem impossible and horrible, but for some reason, we always rise. We rise stronger, whether we think we are or not. We rise braver and more sure of ourselves. The painful part is that we rise so raw and broken that it's difficult to see how we have healed. But it's only through fear that we are able to reach this point.

And that's the beautiful horror of it all.
 photo Signature-1_zpsfyxv0upf.gif

No comments :

Post a Comment